On Your Birthday
Dear Rebecca,
Come Monday, you will be 28. That's good! You love even numbers! So I hope that your day is filled with smiles and laughter and love. And I mean that, because I know you are crying while you write this. And I know this year hasn't been easy. I know you have said it's been worse than last year, and I know you've said that for several years in a row. And I hear you. But I also want you to hear me when I say this: You are loved. I know you have a lot of fear and insecurity when it comes to your birthday. You feel abandoned and unloved in the weeks surrounding it. You don't really know what you want, but you never feel like you get it. You aren't selfish. You aren't greedy. You are lonely and restless. Please know I am sorry that another birthday has come and you still feel this way. Please know that there are people, myself included, who wish they could give you these things. We just, honestly, don't where to get them. It's not for a lack of trying, I can tell you that. I mean, think of all the trying you have done in the past five months alone. You have made such a valiant effort to walk more. You love walking. And yes, I know it's hot and humid here and there aren't enough trees, but you've gone over 470 miles in the past five months, and that is a pretty amazing number. And you have continued to develop your mind and expand your interests through reading. You're at 40 books this year, and sure, you've skimmed ones you didn't like, but you have re-read some classics and found a few new favorites to share with others. You have been brave, dear one, in continuing your writing. The Lord blesses those times you sit down in front of the computer or a notebook with Him beside you. Please know it is OK to set aside one story to start a new one, and you will finish your book one day. You have a plan for the summer, and you will stick to it. And guess what? If you don't, that's also OK. As long as you don't give up completely, you will succeed. And listen, I know you are lonely. I know so many things have not gone as you hoped or planned or expected. I know you feel especially lonely around those who are married and in relationships. I know it is not jealousy or anger you feel at anyone but yourself. But know that this anger at yourself is not healthy. I know it is not the answer you want to hear, but the Lord may just want you to be single forever. If not forever, at least for the foreseeable future. This answer does not inspire hope or excitement for you, I know. But I would encourage you to keep looking at the good you are doing. I could go on forever about all of the people you have helped this year. Sure, you don't know exactly what you've done, and that is sometimes discouraging, but you know you have been a positive impact on many. And you know what? Those who act too proud or too cool or too rude to listen to you or respect you are fools. Seriously. Few people can see and understand your heart. You care so immensely for people, often to your detriment. The balance between loving others and loving yourself is hard for you. I know you are afraid that others will think you are pretentious or self-conceited or vain if you take care of yourself. I know you are afraid of being anorexic again or of even being looked at or being called pretty. I know hate yourself more than anyone ever should. Hear me when I say that this is not what I want for you. It is not what God wants for you. So cry, dear one, and write, and go for walks, read books, listen to music, help your students, text your friends, pursue new opportunities, take pictures, go on adventures, and keep on living. Because look, 28 may not be that great. It may be worse than 27. But it may be better. But you won't know unless you stick around to see. And, finally, I love you. I know I don't say it enough. I know my actions don't show it. I know I'm just plain bad at it. But I do love you. That is a truth. It must be a truth.
Signed,
Rebecca
P.S. I know everyone will be saying "Happy birthday!" Please know you are under no obligation to feel happy on your birthday. Feel sad. Feel lonely. Feed mad. Feel confused. But know that behind every "Happy birthday" is a little echo of "I love you," so feel happy, feel connected, feel relieved, feel peace, feel loved.