On Loneliness

When you start to live with other people after living on your own for over five years, there are certain things that you start to notice. For instance, when you live on your own, you don't tend to notice how often you're alone. That's just your state of being. This week, apart from going to work, I went out once to hang out with friends. One of my roommates was out every day hanging out with people. And her actions, along with one of my dear friends moving this week, has got me thinking about loneliness.

This is not a new topic to me. In fact, it's such a regular topic of conversation that I really didn't want to write about it. Because it makes me uncomfortable. And sometimes I don't like sharing my insecurities. But it's those times that I'm feeling that way that I know I probably should write something. So here I am.

The topic of loneliness is complicated. I will do my best, as always, to think through this logically and orderly.

First, most importantly, there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. One can be alone and not lonely. In fact, many suggest that you should be able to be alone. We are less distracted when we are alone (and I mean alone, not just by yourself with social media). When we are less distracted, we are more productive, creative, and introspective. Being alone enables us to work on ourselves, and in the process of becoming a better person when we are alone, we become a better person when we are not alone. I am huge proponent of Pascal and his pensees, and one in particular speaks to this topic:

I have often said that the sole cause of man’s unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room. (#136)

So, should we be alone? Yes. Should we be alone often? Yes. Should we be careful with how often we are alone? Yes. You see, everything must be balanced. Too much alone time can cause us to become lonely. (Side note: I have often heard people say that one must first be comfortable being alone before one is ready to be in a relationship with someone else. I do not disagree with this piece of advice. But sometimes this advice in my brain translates to "You must be comfortable with all of your problems [or not have any] before being in a relationships with someone else," and this I am not OK with. You will never not have problems. So why wait for the impossible to happen?). On top of that, we as humans were not designed to be alone. We were made to be in fellowship and communion with others.

Which brings me to my second point about loneliness.

I'm an introvert. I crave downtime away from people, or at least away from most people. Crowds and certain people with certain personality types drain me. While I am a social introvert, meaning I trained myself to be a good public speaker and know how to hold a conversation, I am still more easily re-energized when I am away from people. Where this becomes a problem is when I remember we are made to be in fellowship with others. Sometimes I think that my introversion is a problem that needs to be fixed. In fact, when I was working at a camp counselor one year, our leader asked us what about us would make the week working with the kids difficult. When I mentioned I would need alone time at the end of each day, she promptly told me that introversion was something I could "get over." I know that that is not the case. I know there is a difference between being introverted and shy. And I know that there is never a reason for me to force myself to become more extroverted. I am broken in a lot of ways, but introversion is not a sin. But perhaps you can see why being introverted sometimes makes me question my alone time.

While I believe there is nothing wrong with being introverted, I am aware that my alone time as an introvert can turn into times of loneliness. And, if I'm extremely honest, which is terrifying, sometimes the times I get most lonely are actually times of self-pity. In other words, sometimes I make a choice to feel lonely. I see people going to hang out with people and that turns into negative self talk. I tell myself I am lame for not having the energy to go out. I tell myself I am a bad friend for not pursuing someone to hang out with. Or, if I am feeling extra awful, I start to blame others. In other words, sometimes I become legitimately lonely, but sometimes I let myself wallow in my loneliness instead of either A. Allowing myself to be alone without bashing myself for it or B. Putting in an effort to be with people.

Legitimate loneliness, which I think is more a sense of being alone in a negative way, is what I have the hardest time with. Again, I believe I am made to be in fellowship and communion with people. What I have struggled seriously with for at least four years is being able to distinguish the reasons and therefore justifications for my feelings of loneliness. I feel alone so often. It's a sense of alone that I have a hard time explaining. I get home from work and dump everything and just stand in the middle of my room and get hit with this overwhelming sense that I am alone. I do not know what to do with this. Part of me has hoped for years that one day a husband will help, but that seems so impossible that I can not rely on that ever happening.

This sense of being alone brings me to my final point. Sometimes there are times where I am clearly not alone because I am surrounded by people, but I feel utterly alone. This sometimes has to do with where I am in life as compared to others in the room. I am single, everyone else is married, I'm a private school teacher, everyone else is a public school teacher, etc. Other times it has to do with my introversion and social anxiety, like when I am at a party and just want to melt. A different Pascal (Mercier) speaks to this, though much more eloquently than I:

"What is it that we call loneliness. It can't simply be the absence of others, you can be alone and not lonely, and you can be among people and yet be lonely. So what is it? ... it isn't only that others are there, that they fill up the space next to us. But even when they celebrate us or give advice in a friendly conversation, clever, sensitive advice: even then we can be lonely. So loneliness is not something simply connected with the presence of others or with what they do. Then what? What on earth?”

"What on earth?" is right.

I think that is enough on loneliness for now. Do you find yourself able to distinguish between being alone and being lonely? Do you find yourself feeling alone even when you are surrounded by people? Be kind to yourself when deciding if you "deserve" to feel lonely or not. Pursue people. Welcome companionship. But then seek solitude. It is a lesson I must keep working on, by myself, it seems.