An Abundant Life

I hope I never forget when a dear mentor in high school told me that Christ intended for me to live an abundant, full life (John 10:10). And that I was not letting Him let me live such a life. The main problem was my wanting to control too much of my life. Another problem was the stress I placed on myself, especially when it came to work. This surely had partly to do with my parents and the work ethic they had instilled in me and also the fact that I had another close mentor telling me things like "If you watched TV yesterday, then you have more time to work" whenever I discussed being busy or tired. These, to me, are two opposing voices that boil down to this for me: To work or not to work.

Okay, not really, because the Lord calls us to work and work is essential to living in this society, but as someone who has always highly prioritized work, I tend to get burnt out and thus angry easily. This is because the expectations I have of myself and others and the expectations have of me don't always align or aren't even always clear. So my relationship with work is constantly making me question what the "abundant" life actually looks like. If it has anything to do with being happy, at peace, secure, and able to pursue things that will make me a better person, then shouldn't doing or gaining those things be right?

I believe that certain things I want in life are right to want (I could always be wrong). And the things I currently want, or have wanted for years, are things like this:

1. A sense of security and safety in my living conditions and job (economically, environment-wise, etc.)

2. A partner to share my life with, to love, and to be loved by

3. The freedom to pursue furthering my education

4. The time to take care of myself in other ways, like exercising and creating and being with friends

If these things are right to want, then I must question why I do not have them. I must question why my pursuit of them is so wrought with stress and pain. I must be able to step back and evaluate how much of it is in my control and how much I just need to leave to God. The problem? None of that is clear.

For instance, here are a couple of things going on in my life that represent how my desire to live an "abundant" life don't seem to be successful.

1. Vesperteen, a sweet band from Ohio, is playing in San Antonio tomorrow. This really seems like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to see them, and so I wanted to drive the two and a half hours to see them. But I ran into many problems. A. With my experiences with wrecks, I still don't feel comfortable driving on the highway, especially by myself, and especially at night. (Is this being cowardly of me and not trusting God will protect me? Is this alright for me to be safe and cautious?) B. I did not have or find a friend to go with. (Is this on me? Am I too introverted? Do I need to make an effort more in finding friends?) C. I work, and would have to drive back the same night or skip work the next morning and find a hotel for Wednesday night. This would obviously costs way more money than it is probably "worth" and would cause me stress in missing work. (Am I right? Is work more important than a 12-hour break?). I thus am not going. I am disappointed that I can't go, especially as I think any band that has lyrics like "We all make a different sound when we break" would be an encouraging band to hear.

2. I tend to cry every Tuesday after I leave my graduate class. This is not because I am not enjoying it; on the contrary, it is definitely one of the best classes I have ever taken. However, the second I leave I am hit with a load of stress. I remember all of the work for teaching I have to do and can not comprehend how I will do the work required for my class. I become frustrated and do not feel like my work supports my desire to further my education or its stated mission that its employees are required to pursue professional development. (This contradiction may all be in my head. This conflict between work and school work may just be pointing out that I am a broken human being that can't do everything. This fact makes me wonder what the "abundant" life for me equals, then. Also, the problem seems to be all on me, because it is ridiculous to not let myself enjoy my class and just hold onto the enjoyment. Why is the first thing I do when I am done having fun feeling guilty for having fun?).

These are just two examples of life circumstances that are making me wonder once again what the "abundant" life equals not only for us as children of God, but as me, Rebecca, this broken vessel.

Now, most of the time when people complain (or just state the facts about something) the common response goes something like "Work harder!" I hope people realize with me that this is a harmful thing to tell me. My very problem is that I work too hard. Another answer people tend to give is something like "Pray more" (or read your Bible more, or go to church more). And, naturally, they are right. Those are the things I should be doing, and we could all stand to do them more. However, as I already know that part, what I want next is the application part. Saying things like "Everything happens for a reason" is not helpful. I just do not think either of these answers is the solution. When dealing with humans, nothing is simply. We are complex creatures created by a complicated Creator. And bettering ourselves? This is something that can't be done alone. And it can't be done overnight. My pursuit of the "abundant" life will be wrought with pain. I get that. But I do not have to sit idly by and wait for a full life to come to me. I accept the challenge of working hard (but not too hard) at receiving an "abundant" life.

What does the "abundant" life look like to you? Are you living an "abundant" life? If not, what is holding you back? What can you do today to make your life more fulfilled and full?