"You're Very Observant!" pt. 1

Can you remember the last time someone gave you a genuine, unasked for compliment? (I hope so).

Did you accept the compliment? Really accepted it? As in, believe it? (I hope so).

Or did you say "Oh, no, that's not true" or not even say "Thank you"? (I hope not).

Were you complimented a lot as a child? Do you see a difference between encouraging and complimenting? Do some people "need" more complimenting than others, or is that purely a selfish ego craving attention? Could there be a correlation between one's overall thinking pattern and how often one was complimented as a child? Could a lack of being complimented (encouraged/built up) as a child result in an adult who doesn't really know what tenacity and grit look like? Could saying "You can do it" (or "you must do it") possibly be not only not helpful but also detrimental to one's growth and development? Is there a "right" and "wrong" way to compliment someone?

Well?

Sorry for all of the questions. These are just some of the questions on my mind lately. I don't have the answers, but I can walk you through my own thought process as you possibly do the same. Today I just want to tackle the question of Is there a "right" and "wrong" way to compliment someone? from the perspective of a teacher (who is also a person, believe it or not).

There are two "rules" or "systems" that I have known about since I began teaching over six years ago and still try to apply today. One is the 3-1 critique-to-compliment rule, as well as the private/public rebuke/praise system. The 3-1 rule says that for every time you critique or correct a child, you should be complimenting him/her three times. Now, perhaps this idea feeds too much into what has been called a narcissistic generation. So here is where I must make my first distinction. There is a difference between a compliment and a genuine compliment. The difference is in the motive. Is it given simply to make the person feel better, or is it given to make the person be better? Also, is it given for the benefit of the giver or the receiver? This is one reason why there is a sub "rule" attached to this "rule," which is, when complimenting children, especially their work (their drawing made from crayons for you one evening or their senior paper that took over a year to write), always find something specific to say about either their work or them. It's preferable to aim the compliment at the person first. For instance, do not just say "I liked your paper," but say something like "I loved the way you made your argument clear." Instead of telling a child "This is a pretty drawing," go for something like "The way you drew the sun is so creative." (I know these may sound cheesy, but I promise you there is a difference, and they thus mean different things to people). Secondly, a genuine compliment should also be considered encouragement, as the intention is to build up.

So is encouraging a child simply building his/her ego? Put simply, it can always be a factor, but I do not believe it to be the main cause. That's a subject for another time. As far as this 3-1 rule goes, though, my point is that it is not easily followed. I will gladly be the first to admit this. If you are a teacher, or have a child, or a younger sibling, think of the percentage of encouraging comments (critique giving in love) versus pure corrections you have given. If you're anything like me, you give more corrections. It is so easy to pounce on what someone is doing wrong. We assume, especially as teachers, that there is a right way of behavior (as we should) and that everyone should follow it (as they should), but we are so much quicker to point out the second someone doesn't do this than to point out all of the times he/she is doing it.

Which brings me to the other system, that of reprimanding (rebuking) in private and praising in public. While some advocate for embarrassing a child in front of his/her peers (as kids often value the opinion of others, if you make them look bad in front of those whose opinions they value, they will learn their lesson), I do not. I do not advocate this for a variety of reasons, mainly because we can never be sure how our words affect someone else, and I do believe in emotionally scaring a child (can this be done accidentally? Of course. But are your chances of messing someone up for awhile or life higher if you believe publicly embarrassing them is fine? Probably). This system provides a great way of showing students, or groups, what behavior should be rewarded. (Can it backfire? Can someone being praised in front of others also make them embarrassed? Yes...Humans are complicated). It's the remembering to rebuke in private that can be difficult to remember and find time to do, especially as a teacher when you are often caught up in the need to finish objectives in a certain amount of time, or even as a parent who feels on his/her last leg and is so exhausted and frustrated that he/she can see nothing positive in even their own offspring at the time (I know you've been there. I know).

So, in short, of course there is a "right" and a "wrong" way to compliment or encourage someone. You must have the right motive (as with any action), and you must remember that how and where you say your words also matter immensely.

More on these ideas to come...

For now, do think about when the last time you were complimented or encouraged was. And then, think about the last time you encouraged or complimented someone. Again, you may never know what a lasting affect a few loving words might have on someone.