While my actions may not show it...

If you love doing something, do you not do it for almost three months?

If you're me, apparently you do.

Look, I love writing. I can't remember a time I didn't like writing. I can't remember not disliking anything I've ever had to write (I mean the process; I have disliked plenty of my finished projects due to some misguided belief that they weren't "good enough," whatever that means). Writing brings me joy like not much else again. I believe this joy draws me closer to the Lord. This is probably because writing has been given to me by Him and is a gift I should not squander.

So why, despite wanting to write so many time this year, have I not written every time I wanted to? Well, last night I was in this position again and finally the answer hit me (along with some tears). I was being attacked. The fear and anxiety surrounding my relationship with writing is not healthy and is not of God. This isn't to say I will suddenly be able to write everything I've been wanting to. I'm still stuck on my book. But it set me free in many ways. And, in a way, it gave me confidence again, if only for the time being. While my actions may not always show it, I love writing, and I look forward to what may come of this love for the rest of the year.

For now, here is what I started a few weeks ago that is pretty silly but has been a good stress reliever when I actually bring myself to work on it.

Is there anything you love to do but haven't allowed yourself to lately? I'm talking about something that is healthy and beneficial. If you get joy out of hurting people, stop. But if you like walks, go for a walk. If you like to spend time with people, find people to do that with. What lie are you telling yourself that is stopping you from living a full life?

---

Lyall

Look, I didn’t say I was proud of the fact. But I’m a teenager. A teenage boy. Doing shit is kind of our MO, isn’t it? At least that’s what you’ll hear most adults say. We’re given this excuse, honestly, and I just need to clarify that it didn’t come from us. I’ve never made an attempt to justify any stupid action by saying it was just my age or my gender. If I did, you can bet for damn sure that some adult would jump down my throat about how I shouldn’t try to get out of taking responsibility for my actions. But I’ve heard them, their voices way above a whisper, as they groan and complain about how frustrating we are. And they say “boys will be boys” as if there isn’t anything I can do about the way I am. But then they’ll expect me to change. So you need to know I didn’t take great joy in my actions. But you can’t fully blame me for what happened. I’ve listened to my teachers for years; their off-handed remarks and looks and notes or lack of notes on my papers have always communicated the same message: I’m not as responsible as my brother, and everyone wishes I was. So, I’m sorry. I really do hope one day to be more like him.

Logan

You know he’s full of shit, right? Sorry for the language. It is something he tends to do more. But he has always enjoyed everything he’s done. Okay, I have to be fair, that isn’t 100% accurate. He isn’t a sociopath; he has a conscience. But sometimes I wonder if he only has one because I have one. Without me, I honestly don’t know if he would able to tell what was wrong or right. I realize that is redundant. It’s like I just defined a conscience for you. Regardless, I don’t regret being the one growing up to steer my brother in the right direction. But I’ve had to learn to not speak for him, and certainly not to apologize for him. He doesn’t want to be more like me. And I don’t want him to be more like me. We may look identical, but have never mirrored each other in anything else. I actually think it’s a common occurrence among twins. In our realization that we can not find our identity in how we look, considering we constantly see ourselves even when we aren’t looking in a mirror, we use every method available to vary ourselves from our twin. So maybe Logan is correct in that he is not the only one to blame. We mutually agreed before we even spoke that he would be the disobedient one. It is partially my fault. But as I said before, I am not willing to apologize for him or participate in his punishment. I really do hope you are able to see the difference between us in this situation.

Lyall

Of course, there are always the way things sound in your head and the ways things come out of your head. Logan’s always been the more eloquent one, and I do believe the speech he mapped in his own head was exactly, word-for-word, what he said. As for me, I’m pretty sure our parents heard “shit,” “I’m sorry,” and “I wish I was more like Logan.” Look, I’m not stupid. I may be the dumber one, but I’m not stupid. Logan and I are both highly intelligible. A students. Or potential A students. He is. I should be, as my teachers, parents, and twin are constantly reminding me. But it’s like Logan said. We chose our strengths at an early age, and Logan went with the smarts. He was potty trained before me (fine, but who has the better aim?), spoke before me (though I was a better crier), and learned to read and write before me (no come back for this one). I’ve ended up being the one who talks more, but you can bet that his words are the ones that matter. I’m not stupid; I know when to shut up, especially if Logan is sticking up for me or explaining something. He’s always been able to get us, me, out of trouble. He told me two years ago that he wouldn’t be answering for me anymore because I needed to learn to handle myself, but I don’t think he realizes how often he still does it. I don’t know if he can help it, honestly. He can try to be as different and separate from as he wants, but we’re still twins. We’ll always be connected.

Logan

Every kid has to learn when to just shut up when addressing one’s parents. They all have their own special look, and we all know what it means. Maybe we start to walk ourselves to our rooms, or we hand over our phones, or get the spoon from the drawer and bend over, or grab the soap to give our mouths a good wash. Whatever our punishment is, most kids get in trouble enough to know what punishment will be paired with each crime. But if you don’t get in a trouble a lot, like yours truly, or your parents are inconsistent in their discipline, you may find yourself under much more stress than you thought you would be after telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so, help me God. I suffered many a paddling as a child and made friends with many corners in my younger years and watched Lyall be grounded plenty of times, but I couldn’t read our parents’ faces at all in this moment. Our dad’s eyes had glazed over, and I almost turned around to see what he was staring at behind us. And mom. I was afraid her forehead would furrow so much it would just burrow into her brain and turn her entire head inside out. That was probably what she was feeling. Lyall, once again, was turning her world inside out. I had actually been worried about her face before, but that situation had just a surprised connotation, not a surprised and disappointed one. Our IQ tests had come back, and she and dad were shocked by Lyall’s score. He could’ve been advanced ahead of me when we were four. And things would have been different. But those reports had gone in the trash to try to cover up the fact. Parents aren’t as good at hiding things as they think they are, but our mom wasn’t trying to hide her shock today. This face was new. And I really wasn’t ready for what she said.

#life #writing #personal #book #books